Transgender Day of Visibility

       A day to celebrate the courage it takes to live openly and authentically, while also             recognizing the leadership of transgender and gender nonconforming                               trailblazers who have led the charge in the fight for equality.

I have rosacea, at odd moments I'll see my reflection and notice my nose has turned hot pink. I look like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. I think everyone is staring at my nose. Sometimes they are, because they'll ask if I'm hot, cold, been out in the wind ~ a waitress freaked out one night as I sipped a drink and turned red & speckly. Usually though, no one cares. We all have those issues, things that we are certain make us stand out, and not in a good way. I have a friend with beautiful teeth who was always bothered the chip in one tooth. She was voted as having one of the best smiles in our high school class, but she still worried about that damn chip (I never noticed unless she'd pointed it out recently) and had it fixed as soon as she could. Even though we know most people don't notice and even fewer give a darn, we fret.

Now, imagine going out every day and wondering who's noticing your gender expression isn't quite what they expect. Frankly, lots of people won't notice. Many who notice won't care. Few of those who care will actually say anything. But, you worry, especially because those who speak up may be assholes (the world has plenty) or they may be busybodies (those folks who aren't just mildly curious but are downright rude).

Sometimes you get lucky. One day, E's coworker came in with her preschooler who had met E when she was still presenting as male. The little girl up and asked, "Are you a girl, now?" E confirmed that she is and the girl said, "Okay, cool." and that was the end of that. Kids are awesome. We really need to stop teaching them to be judgmental poopheads.

I think E and all transfolk are very brave. E is so much happier now that she has the right hormones in her system ~ but it still takes courage. Puberty was exciting,  all my girlfriends were going through it too, but it was still scary ~ doing it voluntarily, alone, and with not a whole lot of medical research backing you up takes courage. Facing the courts and telling them you want to change your name takes courage. Telling your parents they raised you as the wrong gender takes courage (especially since a lot of parents totally fail that test and toss their kids out).

Think about how intimidating it is when move to new neighborhood or start a new job. That's nothing compared an external gender shift. Transfolk are superbrave. If you know someone who is transgender, tell that awesome chrysalis to "Rock on, you are gonna be a fabulous butterfly!" Accompany them on their journey, just because you can't really imagine what all they're dealing with, doesn't mean you can't empathize. Buy them dinner, because nobody likes to eat alone and their medical expenses dig into their food budgets.

Don't get judgemental. Stop forcing your idea of the right way to transition on your friend or relative. Apologize when your well-intentioned, supposed-to-be-supportive comment comes out super offensive (I do this a lot ~ I usually manage to stick my second foot in my mouth while trying to extricate the first). Just be a friend. We all need friends, especially on a big journey like transition.

To all you transfolk out there: I think you are courageous & strong. I respect you & your journey. I pray that it will get smoother ~ physically, financially & socially. And I apologize for every time I'm an insensitive lout (working on that, honest). Hope your day was fabulous!!

New Definition of Rape Is a Good Thing

Effective January 1, 2013, the FBI has changed the definition of rape for the Uniform Crime Report. This is surprisingly good. You see, the FBI keeps data on crime from 18,000 law enforcement agencies around the country. This is where politicians get their data, it's also the source for all those articles deciding which is the best place to live. 

Rapes committed in the future will be recorded differently. Sadly, this will not change the number of rapes in this country. According to the FBI:

The old definition was “The carnal knowledge of a female forcibly and against her will.” Many agencies interpreted this definition as excluding a long list of sex offenses that are criminal in most jurisdictions, such as offenses involving oral or anal penetration, penetration with objects, and rapes of males.

The new Summary definition of Rape is: “Penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim.”

This doesn't change the definition of rape in the minds of rape victims and those who care about them. What does change is the reporting. Formerly, the only rapes recorded on the UCR were "forcible rapes." Basically, if he didn't beat the living daylights out of her, it wasn't rape. That is the definition preferred by jackasses and those who commit all the rapes (huge overlapping subset there). 



What is really significant about the change (which reflects the attitude of many, though not all, in law enforcement) is that it officially includes rapes that many people want to ignore. Everyone with a soul wants there to be no rape, ever. But not everyone wants to admit that rape is rape. Always. Under any circumstances. No means no and ignoring no is rape.
Lots of people deal with fear of rape happening to themselves, and/or those they love, by victim blaming. Never heard of victim blaming? Betcha've done it, most of us have. "She shouldn't have had so much to drink." "Who goes for a walk alone at night?" "Well, if she hadn't worn that slutty outfit. . ." "What was he thinking, parking with that boy?" That is victim blaming. Anytime you decide that the victim had anything to do with causing the violence ~ and make no mistake about it, rape is a violent crime ~ you are victim blaming. Often, we (the lucky ones) try to find something the victim did that we don't, as a talisman against it happening to us.
The problem with this approach is hurts the person who has already been hurt, and excuses the attacker.   The responsibility for a rape lies with the rapist, 100%. No ifs, ands or buts, it's the rapist's fault. You can walk down any street in the world, buck naked, sashaying your beautiful bottom and you don't deserve rape. You don't deserve praise, but you certainly don't deserve rape. No one ever deserves rape.
That's what is so exciting about the new rules for reporting rape. According to the FBI, gender of rape victim and rapist are irrelevant. Rape of men is often ignored by the police and the media ~ when gender is taken out of the picture, that suddenly counts. Transwomen are particularly vulnerable ~ approximately 50% of transwomen experience sexual violence at some point in their lives. Just typing that line makes my stomach roil and my eyes water. That statistic is so heinous. I don't want my sweet little E to ever suffer (no mother does, I know I'm not special). This change makes me happy because the FBI has declared that rape is rape regardless of gender ~ even if some asshole cop misgenders someone, they can't ignore the crime ~ they must report it to the FBI. The politicians can't pretend it doesn't happen. The first step in change is acknowledging the problem.
The other nifty thing is that a lack of consent constitutes rape. I taught my sons that a girl ('cause I was stuck in a hetero-mindest) who is too drunk to say "No" is too drunk to say "Yes." Not everyone agrees. That's because they're jackasses (see illustration above). Athletes & frat boys seem to thing they are nice guys when they rape drunk girls, because they didn't beat them up ~ well, actually, they don't think it is rape at all.
This little change means they can't pretend anymore. Anyone who wants to think of himself (or herself) as a nice person who would never rape either needs to acknowledge they aren't nice, or they have to be nice. I vote for being nice. Teach people rape is rape, no means no ~ the law backs you up. Let's change the world. Speak up when you hear jokes about sexual violence because that is never funny and letting people get away with that twisted humor enables the jackasses of the world.
Now, since this was a particularly heavy and depressing post, here's some pandas learning to use a slide. It's as close as I can get to hugging you ~ you look like you need it.

Just Because She's All Grown Up, Doesn't Mean There Is No Teenage Drama

When I was expecting for the third time, lots, and I mean lots of people said, "I bet you're hoping for a girl!" I responded in the negative, stressing the advantages of having all boys. "With all boys, we can use the third bedroom for a den!" "With all boys, we can use hand-me-downs to save money!" "With all boys, I'll never have to live with a teenage girl!"

I was soooooooooooooo wrong!

We didn't get a den until the first child moved out. In fact, when E was a teenager, she wanted her own room desperately (okay, that's fair) so we built a fourth bedroom in the basement. Hand-me-downs! What a hoot! Those kids were so hard on their clothes that child #3 had an almost entirely new wardrobe. What he didn't get new was usually only worn before by one sibling. Everything seemed to wear out after two (sometimes only one) child. But at least I wouldn't have to deal with a teenage girl. Teenage girls are annoying. They are whiny. They are bitchy. They have entirely too much drama.

Even when I learned that E was truly female, that she would be taking estrogen, it still didn't register. I was still in the mindset of no drama. After all, E is an adult.

I was soooooooooooooo wrong!

When you start on hormones, they affect you. Usually E is the same person I've known forever, like tremendously, and love with every fiber of my being. Usually. Sometimes, I have no clue who this girl is and I'm not at all sure I like her ~ but I still love her with every fiber of my being. You see, chronologically, she is in her mid-twenties, but hormonally, she's about fourteen. And like any fourteen-year-old girl, her  brain is still adjusting to this estrogen crap. Some days, she is just freaking bitchy, über sensitive and oozing drama. I don't like this. It is wrong. Dadburnit! I am the only drama queen in my house!

Uh. . . did I say that out loud? Oops.

When my first child was young, I found myself apologizing to my mother. A lot. He kept doing things that I used to do that exasperated Mom twenty-some years before ~ best one was wandering off in stores (now I understand why that upset her so). If I called her and almost immediately apologized, she'd ask what J did now. He was a handful. His younger siblings were easier, but that's mostly because I had experience. They were their own people, with their own personalities, and their own ways to wig out their mother, I just learned how to cope.

I was a pretty nice teenage girl, but I was still a teenage girl ~ annoying, whiny, bitchy, dramatic. E is nicer than I am, she has always been sweet. But she is still a teenage girl, getting used to living with estrogen. She waited a long time for that wonderful stuff, the chemical her brain was seeking while her clueless parents stupidly proffered Prozac. She is happy now (HOORAY!) but she is still a teenage girl getting used to womanhood. She is wonderful. And, occasionally, annoying, whiny, bitchy & dramatic.

This doesn't affect how we feel about her ~ but it does sometimes affect how much time I want to spend with her.

E, sweetie, I love you with every fiber of my being.

Mom, I'm sorry.

The Bearded Lady Is Retiring

E is young and underemployed ~ this means tax-time is that exciting time of year when the refund comes. Thanks to overwithholding and the wonders of Groupon, E was able to buy four laser hair removal treatments. Personally, I hate waxing and plucking, but if I don't do that I have as much facial hair as an adolescent boy. That totally sucks, I don't want to look like a boy. Most ciswomen can relate (I suppose the male equivalent would be shaving so no one can tell how sparse your beard is). For E, though, it is much worse. She has a full and manly beard. The thought of thinning that beard is delightful, being rid of it entirely would be a dream come true.

She's never been comfortable in new situations, but this is important to her, so she called & made the appointment. Lots of laser places have questionnaires to complete, which include the dreaded Gender? When you are one gender and your ID has your pretty girlie name, but still carries the M, you hate that question. I don't really see how it matters when you are only getting your face worked on. For E, it's always an uncomfortable issue ~ I doubt that she is unusual in the trans community. Her fears were unfounded, no one asked or cared. She had a consultation, was told it would probably take six sessions, and had her first treatment. It's very exciting. E was downright ebullient that evening.

There are signs that someone has gone through puberty twice. A man's voice may deepen after taking testosterone, but if he used to have voluptuous hips, he'll always be pear-shaped. Even though estrogen can grow lovely breasts, a woman can't shrink her masculine hands & feet. There are however, bottom-heavy cismen and large handed ciswomen (Seinfeld even referenced Man Hands). Other features can be down-played. But the beard, the beard is out there for the whole world to see (or not, for the frustrated transman).

Changing that beard status is a huge step in the transition. Laser treatments end five o'clock shadow, testosterone creates it. Your chin is right there, announcing your status; wouldn't it be lovely if you could agree with that announcement? It isn't just social. A woman's clothes, long hair and a purse, with five o'clock shadow, declare you as transgender. This is a safety issue. Transphobes (asshats) see this as a target. I really, really, really don't want anyone to see my baby as a target. I don't ever want her hit again. I hate that she has been hurt in the past.

She just recently said that the first time she was attacked (as a teenage boy, by a group of about eight) they called her "Brokeback." Think about how terrifying that would be. While you are still trying to figure out who you are, random psychopaths hurt you because they think they know. Years later, after more violence and multiple muggings, you begin estrogen.

Testosterone helps build & maintain muscle mass, anti-androgens and estrogen have the reverse effect. Weaker, and ever more visibly different, the world becomes a scary, scary place. When that telltale shadow is off her chin, she'll be less obviously transgender. To complicate matters, we kind of live in the hood, not an environment known for tolerance.

This is part of why I think E is the bravest woman I know. She says life is easier now. It's scarier, she's more vulnerable than she's ever been, but her brain is getting the right hormones. Now, she is happy. And that is awesome.