Why Are You So Interested in My Child's Genitalia?

There's a headline that'll scare anyone who isn't paying attention. But, honestly, at times, it seems like people are way too obsessed with genitals ~ especially those they have no reason to be familiar with. My daughter is not a stripper or a porn star. In fact, she's rather modest. Yet, occasionally, someone learning that I have a transgender daughter asks the dreaded question, "So, is he gonna do the whole thing? Surgery and all?" Yes, they always say "he" and no, my daughter is not a "he."

Admittedly, this question is only occasionally asked, but even occasionally is too much. Think about it.

C'mon. You can do it.

All the transfolk & their allies (I'd like to think I qualify as an ally) are chuckling now at all the people scratching their heads. Other than the pronoun issue, a huge percentage of people see nothing wrong with that question. Want some help?

How would you feel if I asked you what kind of genitals you have?

The standard reaction is that it's silly question because, after all, isn't it obvious? The answer is, "No. It's not obvious." Gender is not a function of genitals. If gender stemmed from the presence or absence of a vagina, there would be no such thing as transgenderism (which may not be a word, but you get what I'm saying). Gender is mental. It is your identity. It is who you are, not what you are.

The next reaction tends towards, "What business it is of yours?" Exactly. No normal adult would dream of walking up to a coworker and asking if they have a penis. Yet people think it is perfectly reasonable to ask transfolk which genitalia they're sporting. Somewhat more horrifying, they will ask parents and grandparents of transgender people about their offspring's wee-wees and hoo-has. (Okay, I'll admit it ~ that line was fun to type.)

A transgender person is a person ~ they are 100% human. If you wouldn't ask a cisperson about their bits, don't ask a transperson. In other words, it is appropriate for some of your healthcare providers, anyone you plan to bed and ~ hmmm, that's about it, maybe your best friend. It is not appropriate for co-workers, in-laws, carpoolers, etc.

My daughter is transgender. She used to have a boy name, participate in Boy Scouts and serve as an altar boy ~ because we were all confused. That is reasonable discussion territory. Perhaps the topic may come up one day, but don't bring it up. Whether someone has an innie or an outie between their legs is even more personal than, "How much do you make?" or "How much do you weigh?"

Show some respect and some decency. When you find out someone is transgender, do not respond by asking about their junk, "Oh. You want to grab a beer?" is a much better response.