Transgender Day of Remembrance

Uh. . . okay? What are we remembering? If you're new to the transgender world, and you love someone who is transgender, you probably don't want to read this post. You really should read this post. Transphobia is real and is a helluvalot scarier than arachnophobia, claustrophobia or any other traditional phobia. I've spent most of my life bug-phobic ~ I once woke my husband to kill a bug for me (I don't know what kind ~ there was no way I was going to get close enough to find out) because it was in the tub and I needed to get ready for work. My aunt's claustrophobia means that, for all the years after they married that Grandma was still alive, my uncle & cousins had to drive across country for vacation ~ because my aunt cannot fly. These are "normal" phobias. They are annoying and sometimes quite disruptive to the sufferer and loved ones. That's it.

Transphobia is different. It expresses itself aggresively. It is violent. It is ugly. It is no more a phobia than rape is sex. It is about power, control and hate. True phobics want to conquer their fear. Transphobics want to conquer that which they fear. It is the transphobics who should be feared, and if they act on their fear, they need to be punished.

Back to the Transgender Day of Remembrance, there are a lot of awesome transfolk in the world. We want to keep it that way. Until we admit to ourselves how much violence is directed at transgender people, we cannot confront the problem. The first step is recognizing that there is a problem. So, every November 20th is the Transgender Day of Remembrance. It is the day we acknowledge those people whose lives were cut short because some asshole was too insecure in his own masculinity (women are guilty of transphobia, too ~ but they don't seem to act on it) to let someone different live. Yes, live. Transphobia is about beating, rape, murder. IT MUST END!

According to the FBI, in 2012, there were 12,765 murders in the US. There are 313,914,040 people in the US. In other words, approximately 1:24,000 people in the US were murdered last year. If transgendered people are represented at the same rate, we'd have lost 28 in past year. This list skims the surface, there are more. Few details were available because the news tends to downplay murders of LGBT people. The level of brutality is particularly horrific.

Islan Nettles was beaten to death in Harlem, across the street from the police station house, after her murderer learned that he had just come on to a transwoman.

Melony Smith was beaten to death in Los Angeles, just because. The local news refers to her as a man and by her birth name.

Konyale Madden was shot to death in her home after having told a family member she was going out on a date. Nice date.

Diamond Williams was murdered and dismembered by hatchet and screwdriver.

Cemia Dove was stabbed, tied to a concrete block, and thrown in a pond. Once her body was found, the media attacked her all over again.

Mercedes Demarco died suspiciously while in police custody.

Eyricka Morgan was stabbed by another resident of her boarding house.

Shaun Hartley was beaten to death with a board.

Dominique Newburn was brutally murdered in her home, bludgeoned or stabbed ~ no official cause of death has been released, although her death was three months ago.

Milan Boudreaux, along with husband Akeem, shot to death in their home.

Not one of these people deserved to die.

This is not a complete list of this year's victims of transphobia in the US. For one thing, it is hard to find them all because police and newspapers often refer to victims by the wrong gender and names they no longer used. For another, the bastards who hurt them don't go around admitting they did it because they don't like people who are different (defense attorneys don't encourage admissions of hate-fueled guilt). Yet another reason, and this is soooooo sad, is that many victims of transphobia take their own lives because they've been abandoned by the very people who are supposed to be their staunchest allies. If your child commits suicide because you were a bully, you probably won't tell the truth to investigators.

These are all people whose lives were cut short. The reason is often unknown, but that I could find this many transgender murder victims in just a few hours screams volumes. If you know of a transgender victim of violence, speak out. Don't let the police or the media treat someone any differently because he or she isn't cis. People are people and must all be treated the same.

It can be difficult for transfolk (especially teens & young adults) to find decent jobs. Those who get tossed out by their families often end up on the street, turning tricks to survive. That is a horrible fate to consign someone to and it puts them at even greater risk.

Allies, hold your loved ones close to your heart. Make certain they know you love them. Assure them home is really home ~ get over your issues, get over yourself and invite your child back home. Give them the key. Let them know that as long as you have a roof your head, there is a roof for them. And transfolk, trust your gut, if somebody gives you the willies ~ get away. Please. We want there to be no more need for a Transgender Day of Remembrance.

I'm Not Special? Whaa!

Did you ever notice how common your special just became? When you're expecting, it seems like suddenly everyone is pregnant. If you buy a white car because nobody drives white cars and you want to find yours in parking lots, suddenly there are white cars everywhere. And, of course, when your child announces he or she is a she or he, you see transpeople everywhere.

It's almost comical. And it is a completely predictable phenomenon. Just like there is no dramatic increase in the birth rate corresponding to your pregnancy, there is no dramatic increase in the number of transpeople that you randomly see. (I should note that you may actually see a lot more transgender people, because you may meet your child's friends from a support group.) What does change is your awareness. You see a woman with "man hands" and while you may still remember that episode of Seinfeld, you also think, "I bet she's transgender."

I love to categorize everything and everyone. This is why I have a transdaughter, because God has a twisted sense of humor. She no longer fits in the box I designed for her at birth; this is confusing and stressful to me. I love her immensely, but I want to shove her in a box and she refuses. She patiently resists and forces me to accept that I cannot categorize everyone neatly. Some people are spheres or cones or stellated dodecahedrons and just don't snugly fit into boxes. And I have to learn to deal with that. I fail. I've accepted that not everyone is a cube, so I now I mentally try to plug them into different shaped boxes. It's a fun puzzle, but it may be wrong. 

It's weird to realize that you're looking at people differently. I don't know if it's right or wrong, or neutral. I noticed a transwoman because of her facial hair. Previously, my first thought would have been something along the lines of "menopause sucks" because I've noticed the need to wax more as fifty looms ever larger on the horizon. Now, my reaction is closer to "aw, poor thing, bet she can't wait to get laser hair removal." I realized I was looking at the world through my new prejudices, assuming basing on one observation. The "bearded lady" is almost certainly transgender, she had other tells.

I don't think it is right or wrong to wonder; I do think it's wrong to focus on that one external aspect of someone ~ just as it is wrong to decide what someone is like because of skin color. I'm working on noticing something else, anything else. While I notice race quickly (it's hard not to) I am pretty good at noticing more, so that race is just one facet of the of the box I store someone in. The new challenge is similar. When I notice someone is transgender, I find myself looking for another facet, the "bearded lady" has a great twinkle in her blue eyes, for example.

One big problem with noticing the little tells, is that the person you're studying may be aware that you are studying them. Do not ask, "Are you a dude or a chick?" This question will offend pretty much everyone. Do not ask, "Are you transgender?" This question will confuse or offend cisfolk and hurt transfolk. Imagine spending years with everyone thinking you are a girl, treating you as a girl, calling you a girl, but you are a boy and you have always known that. At long last, you have the courage to come out, to say, "Mom, Dad, you are so wrong about me." You begin to transition, to show the world who you really are, to think that the world sees the real you ~ and then some lummox asks if you are transitioning. Even if it's well-meaning, you have just announced to this person that they look like a fake. That is just plain mean.

Be special. Be awesome. Be the person who doesn't care what gender someone is when you first meet them. Be the person who just wants to make a new friend.

Why Are You So Interested in My Child's Genitalia?

There's a headline that'll scare anyone who isn't paying attention. But, honestly, at times, it seems like people are way too obsessed with genitals ~ especially those they have no reason to be familiar with. My daughter is not a stripper or a porn star. In fact, she's rather modest. Yet, occasionally, someone learning that I have a transgender daughter asks the dreaded question, "So, is he gonna do the whole thing? Surgery and all?" Yes, they always say "he" and no, my daughter is not a "he."

Admittedly, this question is only occasionally asked, but even occasionally is too much. Think about it.

C'mon. You can do it.

All the transfolk & their allies (I'd like to think I qualify as an ally) are chuckling now at all the people scratching their heads. Other than the pronoun issue, a huge percentage of people see nothing wrong with that question. Want some help?

How would you feel if I asked you what kind of genitals you have?

The standard reaction is that it's silly question because, after all, isn't it obvious? The answer is, "No. It's not obvious." Gender is not a function of genitals. If gender stemmed from the presence or absence of a vagina, there would be no such thing as transgenderism (which may not be a word, but you get what I'm saying). Gender is mental. It is your identity. It is who you are, not what you are.

The next reaction tends towards, "What business it is of yours?" Exactly. No normal adult would dream of walking up to a coworker and asking if they have a penis. Yet people think it is perfectly reasonable to ask transfolk which genitalia they're sporting. Somewhat more horrifying, they will ask parents and grandparents of transgender people about their offspring's wee-wees and hoo-has. (Okay, I'll admit it ~ that line was fun to type.)

A transgender person is a person ~ they are 100% human. If you wouldn't ask a cisperson about their bits, don't ask a transperson. In other words, it is appropriate for some of your healthcare providers, anyone you plan to bed and ~ hmmm, that's about it, maybe your best friend. It is not appropriate for co-workers, in-laws, carpoolers, etc.

My daughter is transgender. She used to have a boy name, participate in Boy Scouts and serve as an altar boy ~ because we were all confused. That is reasonable discussion territory. Perhaps the topic may come up one day, but don't bring it up. Whether someone has an innie or an outie between their legs is even more personal than, "How much do you make?" or "How much do you weigh?"

Show some respect and some decency. When you find out someone is transgender, do not respond by asking about their junk, "Oh. You want to grab a beer?" is a much better response.